A pirate clumps into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel attached to his trousers.
The bartender says, “You’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Yaarrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: “Hello mate, how are you going?”
I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied “Yeah, not too bad thanks.”
After a short pause, I heard the voice again “So, what are you up to mate?”
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied “Umm, just having a quick poo… How about yourself?”
I then heard the voice for the third time … “Sorry mate, I’ll have to call you back. I’ve got some d*ckhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say.”
A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman “have you got any bread?”. The barman says “We dont sell bread I’m afraid, this is a pub, we sell beer”. The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the same bar and asks the same barman “have you got any bread?”. The barman looks a little annoyed and says “Like I told you yesterday, we dont do bread, we’re a pub”, so the duck leaves. The next day the same duck walks into the same bar, and asks the same barman “have you got any bread?”. The barman looks really annoyed and says “Look we dont do bread, we’re a pub and if you keep coming in here asking for bread I’ll nail your beak to the bar” so the duck leaves. The following day the duck once again walks into bar. He asks the barman “have you got any nails?”. The barman looks perplexed and replies “No”. The duck then asks “Have you got any bread?”.
An Englishman, Irish man and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman says this has got to be a joke.
Up to you all I sat back looking at the stars. And I began to think, ...............where the heck is my roof ?
tehWise wrote ... My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant for dinner. It was a nice meal and we were ordering dessert. I asked the waiter how much the pie was. "£3.14 sir," he replied. "That's funny," I chuckled. "What's that sir?" He asked. "That Down's syndrome boy just tried to hug a heater and burnt himself." We both had a good laugh.
